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Angela's Intrusive Thoughts

by Angela
(New Mexico)

WARNING! Read At Your Own Risk: The following story contains someone else's scary thoughts - if you do not think you can handle them, you should not participate in this thread.


"Hi my names is Angela and I am suffering from anxiety and intrusive thoughts. It started when my daughter was having her first sleep over and I was fine the whole day. I went to lay down with my husband and the first thought happened to me. The thought of wanting to kill my husband. I got up so quick and woke up my husband and told him what I was thinking. He told me to go to bed and I couldn't. I went down stairs crying my eyes out. I got out the bible and started to read it. I didn't know what I was doing. I thought I was going crazy and I was a monster for thinking that. After a while it went away. Jan. 2009 I went to my mother in-laws house for a visit and I was watching a show called Snaps, its about women just snapping and stuff. Well again the thought came to my head but I was worse then ever. I really thought I was going crazy. I went to the bath room and just sat there and telling myself what's wrong with me. I told my husband and he helped me get though it. When we came back home I went to the ER and told them I think I'm going crazy. I really wanted to stick myself in a mental home. I was sure. I also had thoughts of drowning my little girl. I know I didn't want too. I love her with all my heart. I wouldn't hurt her or anyone. I prayed to let the thoughts go away. I thought I was getting punished for stuff I did when I was younger. Now I go too a social worker and I take meds. I also do a lot of relaxing and take time for myself. I still have some thoughts but not as much. I have a thought on how to get out of a murder and that really scares me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to live my life as I was. I also feel like I'm doing stuff out of the ordinary but I know its normal. I make sure I tell people what I'm going though and I don't leave anything out. This is not something you should hide. Write in a journal everyday and get everything out no matter how crazy it sounds. I put some scary and mean and bad things that went though my head but no one looks at me any different. I'm still myself, I just have intrusive thoughts and they are really bad. If anyone ever needs help or anything, I am here to help. I know how scary it is to do it by yourself I have to do it sometimes."

Susan's Comments:
Intrusive thoughts can be extremely scary and most of time they are persistent and very frustrating. One of the things that helped me overcome my obsessive, intrusive thoughts was to just accept them as nothing more than thoughts. One reason why intrusive thoughts become obsessive is because we question why they are there in the first place. Anxiety makes us all so sensitive to everything and that includes the very thoughts that run through our minds on a daily basis. The truth is, all people have random thoughts that come in and out of their minds throughout the day. Most people are not aware of these thoughts because they usually run through the subconscious mind part of the mind. However, many people are aware of them, but the difference is that they don't make a big deal out of them. Instead, they accept them for nothing more than just random thoughts that have no importance at all.

People who are overstressed and anxious already (because they have become sensitive in their nerves), are super sensitive to these thoughts and instead of accepting them and letting them go, they hold onto them, question them, and pick them apart wondering why they are there. When a thought is unwanted it then becomes intrusive. It is this internal investigating that anxious people do that keeps the thoughts there and bothersome. People then begin to obsess about the thoughts and try to push them out of their mind. Only to find they are still there. No matter how many times you look for those thoughts you will find them!

You must learn to allow those thoughts to fade off into the background and give them no more importance. The truth is, they are thoughts and nothing more. Sure, they are scary, but the truth is, scary thoughts are not a sign of losing your mind or going crazy. The fact remains that if you were truly losing your mind you would not know it. We all have this intense fear of going crazy and watching ourselves do it but scientifically, it can never happen. The fact alone that your thoughts bother you means you could never follow through with them.

Comments for Angela's Intrusive Thoughts

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Mar 07, 2013
Need help
by: Joe

Please please can someone give any sort if advise. In year 2002, my uncle passed away of cancer. And ever since then. I say bad things about my loved ones about cancer. Can't help it. Bad things pop in my head about that word. When I think of the bad thought. I have to wash my hands and up to my arms, thinking the thought is washed away from me. I know this sounds crazy and mental. Ive washed my hands many times to the point where they have cuts...grazes and sore. Don't know whether I should get therapy as I have called called couple of therapies that deal with CBT behaviour but no one has bothered getting back to me.... Think something is telling me I have to do this on my own and that I have to be really, really, strong. Thinking I should self-help myself!! Which I have been reading about OCD books and other stories about people on internet. I am a really bubbly happy person. Always caring. I feel I don't want to be in this world sometimes. Does anyone have any advice.... Would be grateful. :)

Apr 02, 2012
Scary Thoughts
by: Anonymous, you are not alone

Angela,
I was in the house one day with my husband and he was working on the closets, putting in a new closest system, when I had a scary thought that what if I picked up the took and hurt him. I was so afraid I could not even control it. I started to get so scared. I went into the room where he was working and watched TV and don't you know it, this woman on the TV slit her husband's throat on a soap opera, I had taped while at work. There it went. The thought slip the throat kept coming into my mind over and over and over and I was so afraid I was paralized. I told my husband and asked him to take me to my counselor. I cried for over an hour begging her to lock me up. My husband sat through the session and never once reacted to my thoughts. I asked him if he was afraid of me and he said he knows more than anyone I could never do that. But what I later discovered was I was so mad at him for things he had done over the years, that were not his fault, that my scary thoughts were surrounded around him. You see when he got out of the military he could not find a job where we were so he moved us aay from our home, friends, and family. We moved to the desert in Cali, which is nothing but dead plans and snakes and animals. Later my best friend got cancer and I watched her die the most horrible death you could imagine, right after my dog got cancer and lost the use of his lower half of his body and we had to put him down, I never left his side and I felt as though I could not breathe, after that my brother died of a blood clot that no one saw coming. My mind was so full of grief I could not breathe and I was blaming my husband for it all. I came to terms that he did what he had to do to care for his family. I have been with the AF for 20 years myself so I understand. but when you have anxeity you cannot control what your mind races through. Look deep Angela and see if there are any issues you have deep down that you may be blaming him for and deal with them. Even if it is silly. Then my counselor said to me; ok you dealth with the issues now are your thoughts relevant anymore? I looked at him like he was crazy LOL. I said what??? he said is the scary thought relevant anymore now that you dealt with the hurt and anger. I said I guess not and he replied by saying then tell it so. So then every time the scary thought came to my mind I would say: YOU ARE NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE AND I NO LONGER NEED YOU TO PUSH MY BUTTONS. before I knew it I was no longer having them. I still get scary thoughts from time to time but I put them in their place. You sound like such a wonderful person and I know you would never hurt him. But ask yourself if these thoughts are even relevant. And if you tell yourself no, then let them go. I pray for the best for you.

Aug 22, 2011
Intrusive thoughts
by: Anonymous

Hi Angela,
Thanks for sharing your experience, I too have had similar terrifying thoughts, and I ended up completely unable to sleep. If I fell asleep I would dream horrifying dreams, and be woken with scary hallucinations (part of a sleep disorder I have since been diagnosed with). I thought I was insane, and still do at times. I have been seeing 4 or 5 different therapists, and have had a lot of help. I still have days where I hate being inside my head, but found enormous comfort in having openly spoken about the unwelcome and inappropriate thoughts I do have.
My OCD begun at about 19 when if I accidently bumped into someone I would feel an overwhelming and disproportionate sensation that I had violently hurt them. I knew this hadn't happened, but my brain was telling me two different things. I didn't seek help until my early 30ies.

Mar 07, 2011
I thought I was alone.
by: Anonymous

Hi Angela,

I too, suffered with disgusting and horrifying thoughts about hurting my friends, family, and my dog which distrssed me so harshly. It's hard to put into words the experience and how it literally just "pops' into your head without warning, but you described it well here.

Mar 01, 2011
So much to say!
by: Anthony

Whew!!!!!

I just wrote in, and was waiting for a responce from the site. I have been dealing with the same problem for a while now. I was getting scary thoughts of "what if I get the thought of hurting my family, and not being able to control it" I mean the thought alone would scare the hell out of me. I too just want to live my life, and be a normal loving father and husband. Thank you for sharing your story. It feels a lot better to hear that someone else is having the same problem I have. I turn to the scriptures for help also. One that helps me and that I speak aloud is "God doesn't give us the spirit of fear, but of Power, Love, and of Sound Mind." I repeat that to myself over and over. "I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens me" Currently I'm not taking any med's. Honestly I am afraid to, because of the side-effects of them. I know that we can overcome this problem. We are children of the most High God, and just like you will take care of your children God will take care of us. So stay strong, don't give up! When the voices and thoughts get to loud, be still for He is God. With God on our side who dare be against us! It's scary I know, but we can do this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for the site, I've been (struggling) dealing, I really don't want to say struggle. I word it diffrently, because we just deal, and it will pass. I beat it before and I will beat it again. Thanks again for sharing your story!!!

Oct 21, 2010
With the help of God
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain I too suffer from these thoughts
I have ocd I. I am alright as long as I am away from my house as soon as I get home all of these
thoughts come flooding back full force and I am
afraid to be in my house I never want to come
home I feel that my house is so dirty and I don't
want to be in it. My anxiety is extreme I want to
run away of course I have no where to go.
I don't have a supportive husband that I could
talk to about this and getting help while married to him woul be impossible as he would want me to
just snap out of it he has no tolerance for any-
one who is ill. It would be to hard for me to
go thru treatment while married to him. He
would not want his life disrupted I would be
a weih around his neck. I will try to fight
this on my own with the help of God I will
survive

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