Angela's Intrusive Thoughts

by Angela
(New Mexico)

WARNING! Read At Your Own Risk: The following story contains someone else's scary thoughts - if you do not think you can handle them, you should not participate in this thread.


"Hi my names is Angela and I am suffering from anxiety and intrusive thoughts. It started when my daughter was having her first sleep over and I was fine the whole day. I went to lay down with my husband and the first thought happened to me. The thought of wanting to kill my husband. I got up so quick and woke up my husband and told him what I was thinking. He told me to go to bed and I couldn't. I went down stairs crying my eyes out. I got out the bible and started to read it. I didn't know what I was doing. I thought I was going crazy and I was a monster for thinking that. After a while it went away. Jan. 2009 I went to my mother in-laws house for a visit and I was watching a show called Snaps, its about women just snapping and stuff. Well again the thought came to my head but I was worse then ever. I really thought I was going crazy. I went to the bath room and just sat there and telling myself what's wrong with me. I told my husband and he helped me get though it. When we came back home I went to the ER and told them I think I'm going crazy. I really wanted to stick myself in a mental home. I was sure. I also had thoughts of drowning my little girl. I know I didn't want too. I love her with all my heart. I wouldn't hurt her or anyone. I prayed to let the thoughts go away. I thought I was getting punished for stuff I did when I was younger. Now I go too a social worker and I take meds. I also do a lot of relaxing and take time for myself. I still have some thoughts but not as much. I have a thought on how to get out of a murder and that really scares me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to live my life as I was. I also feel like I'm doing stuff out of the ordinary but I know its normal. I make sure I tell people what I'm going though and I don't leave anything out. This is not something you should hide. Write in a journal everyday and get everything out no matter how crazy it sounds. I put some scary and mean and bad things that went though my head but no one looks at me any different. I'm still myself, I just have intrusive thoughts and they are really bad. If anyone ever needs help or anything, I am here to help. I know how scary it is to do it by yourself I have to do it sometimes."

Susan's Comments:
Intrusive thoughts can be extremely scary and most of time they are persistent and very frustrating. One of the things that helped me overcome my obsessive, intrusive thoughts was to just accept them as nothing more than thoughts. One reason why intrusive thoughts become obsessive is because we question why they are there in the first place. Anxiety makes us all so sensitive to everything and that includes the very thoughts that run through our minds on a daily basis. The truth is, all people have random thoughts that come in and out of their minds throughout the day. Most people are not aware of these thoughts because they usually run through the subconscious mind part of the mind. However, many people are aware of them, but the difference is that they don't make a big deal out of them. Instead, they accept them for nothing more than just random thoughts that have no importance at all.

People who are overstressed and anxious already (because they have become sensitive in their nerves), are super sensitive to these thoughts and instead of accepting them and letting them go, they hold onto them, question them, and pick them apart wondering why they are there. When a thought is unwanted it then becomes intrusive. It is this internal investigating that anxious people do that keeps the thoughts there and bothersome. People then begin to obsess about the thoughts and try to push them out of their mind. Only to find they are still there. No matter how many times you look for those thoughts you will find them!

You must learn to allow those thoughts to fade off into the background and give them no more importance. The truth is, they are thoughts and nothing more. Sure, they are scary, but the truth is, scary thoughts are not a sign of losing your mind or going crazy. The fact remains that if you were truly losing your mind you would not know it. We all have this intense fear of going crazy and watching ourselves do it but scientifically, it can never happen. The fact alone that your thoughts bother you means you could never follow through with them.