I can totally relate to your story. Especially, where you freak out about freaking out, or have thoughts about having those thoughts. I know exactly how that is, cause it all happened to me to. Also, having God with His ginormous army of angels really has helped to.
It all started when I was reading my brother's Boy Scout Handbook and came to a part where it told you where to look out for criminals. One of the places it listed was churches and stuff where you wouldn't be searching for them because they could be using it as their hunting grounds. I started applying that to me, what if, I thought, I became one of those merciless people that put emotional scars on people for life. Then scenarios appeared, thoughts ran for months, that I felt I had no control over - thoughts that scared me senseless, thoughts that weighed me down with a sea of guilt. That sea was to much for me to handle, so I let my sea of guilt flow to my mom. I told her I was having thoughts. What I later found though, that guilt I harbored, it was a good thing. It showed the difference between a person who would actually do something, and a person who wouldn't. I would rather let myself be eaten alive by the thoughts, then to ever of have hurt someone like I thought I might in my thoughts.
Jesus wants us to be like kids. The way they ask questions, are completely honest and loving. I did this before I knew it was a form of therapy, but I put myself into a situation where I felt most scared(it's called exposure therapy). I watched my dad's friend's little kids. I let the thoughts downplay and let my actions speak louder than the thoughts. I showed the devil how I'm stronger that he is. I exposed that I was having those thoughts to my mom and now to this website. I know that having those thoughts doesn't make me evil.
You see, I'm what people call an over-acheiver and all this generates into a lot of stress and anxiety. But I never really took time to go and look back on all this and see what I've accomplished until my parents mentioned it. I believe (this is just a hyopothesis, not based on any actual fact that has been researched) that when people don't take time to think how good they have done, they just see how much they need to do in the future and how much space there is for improvement. But, not looking back, they don't get that chance to be proud, continually, and let that pride grow into confidene, they just let that acheivement grow into room for more acheivements. I never took the adequate time to really heartfeltly look back on my 8th grade year and thank God for what he's helped me to accomplish. It may have not be the best, but it's still an accomplishment. I never took time until the other night after crying in my room asking God to help me. I felt him saying, that He'll always love me no matter what I do, 'cause I've accepted the fact that Jesus died for me and that God created me. My brother came in my room and he started telling me how I was beautiful, smart, and strong, have a tight relationship with Christ and God, and that I'm really pretty, and how he's sometimes jealous of me, and we talked for hours. But, he saw what I didn't, and what I for the longest time haven't. I saw need for improvement when I looked in the mirror, he saw a butterfly that had tattered wings that were still glistening in its fight to fly. Did you know that some people even have hypothesised that people with intrusive thoughts maybe be above average intelligence because of the thought pattern it takes to come up with all of this? Maybe we won't be like the rest. Maybe we'll just have to settle with being just a tad bit smarter ;).
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