I suffer from intrusive, blasphemous thoughts. I feel it is ruining my life and making me an unworthy person. It started when I was about 11 years old. I had always been the good, quiet/shy girl. I was also naturally religous although I'd had no formal religion.
My primary school teacher was a vicar's wife and one day she mentioned that if we used God's name in vain we would go to hell.
For some reason that triggered me into thinking precisely this.
For years I have tried to stop this thinking without success. I worry that I am bad, not worthy and basically dammed !
It has become worse as I have got older, may be I worry more about it. I have never told anyone. I think people at church would be especially shocked as they think I am so good!
I have had periods of it disappearing and feeling good. I don't know what triggers it to return.
I feel as if I am deliberately self-harming myself. I don't feel as if I am an anxious person except in social situations...and then I freeze. I was always a loner at school but feel very friendly. I don't like to say no.
Otherwise, I am confident to travel to distant and obscure countries by myself. I travelled through the middle east alone.
I am so glad I found this site...may be I am normal after all!
I am going to practise the positive self-talk, get an elastic band for my wrist and try to allow the thought and not give them power. Although allowing the thoughts seems so un-natural.
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