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My story

My issues started back on 2 Nov 14, I had been smoking weed for about 6 months to help sleep, my wife and I had just returned home from a Miami Dolphins game when I took a few hits from my bong and went to get ready for bed. I was cleaning my ears when this thought of shoving the qtip in my 8 year old daughters ear, this freaked me out so I went outside to get some fresh air and hope to get this out of me, well it got worst, I started having thoughts that I would never do but man it scared me, after about 4 days I started feeling better, when bam it hit again, I then called the VA hotline since I am a vet and also made appt to see a Doctor in my insurance group, I first was able to see my dr who is great, I was scared that he may see me as a unfit parent but I needed to make sure I was not a crazy person who would harm his kid like in my thoughts, he said no I was normal and that the thoughts scaring me was a how to know I was not crazy and he explained anxiety and how it was affecting me, well that still did not help so I went to the VA and once again told them my story feeling like a bad person but they deemed me to go home with some meds and made a appt to see a local. Vet dr, so I kept seeing my other Dr and started to get back to normal, then I saw the VA's dr who was terrible. I was doing good but was worried that with Thanksgiving coming I would have issues, but with my Dr helping I made it through, was doing good until Christmas time when my wife and I were shopping for our daughter when the thoughts came back of me harming her, I tried to ignore them but they got worst, but within that next day I was fine, then I was good for about three weeks until my wife and daughter came back from a week long trip, I was excited to have them home when all of a sudden the thoughts came back strong and scaring me, but within a few days it was gone and I was ok, this lasted for about 2 months until 3 days ago they came back. This time it's tough to shake. I love my daughter and could never imagine harming her or worst, I feel so guilty that this has happened due to me doing weed, when the thoughts leave I go back to enjoying life and my family, but like now I cant eat and don't want to be around my family but then feel guilty for not spending time with my baby girl so I did and feel ok until the thoughts come back. My Dr says we are all capable of thoughts and thoughts NEVER hurt anyone and that when they scared me that's when they take on a real meaning. I believe him but during this time and others when the thoughts are here I feel that maybe I am crazy and need to go away, but then I realize how unfair to my wife and daughter this would be and how much I would miss them. I am scared that my life will never be normal and that this will ruin me. I love my daughter and am so ashamed that these thoughts are in my head. I feel I must be a bad parent and a sicko. I beat this before I told my self if this comes back I got it, but I dont I am scared and feel so guilty.

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