Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Depersonalization, Derealization, Depression.
Hi my name is Scott. I'm a 21 year old male and first I want to say bless the strong women who created this website. Its good to see someone who cares about the people who are dealing with these black hole symptoms/illnesses.
Since the age of 12, I was always a little paranoid about things. I worried about things most kids at that age shouldn't or wouldn't, but life until now was great. Sure, I would have these panic attacks that made me feel detached from reality and made feel as if I was going to die, loosing touch with everything. I would have occasional, severe, anxiety and worry about things that you shouldn't be that worried or worked up about. But these feelings and symptoms were bearable because they weren't happening all the time, only on occasion. Then everything would be okay and I would feel like myself again.
So, about 2 or three years ago (I cant remember exactly when it was) I was laying in bed watching some YouTube videos, relaxing, and I had this horrible panic attack out of no where. I felt so out of touch, so lost like I was loosing grip of reality, and felt as if I was going to die. Nothing looked familiar anymore, not even my dad's face. It felt as if I barely knew him even though logically I knew exactly who he was and if you asked me any question about him I could answer it correctly (key word "FELT"). My living room that I've seen since I was born looked odd and strange like I had never seen it before. This attack was bad, worse than the ones I had in the past, and after in the morning I had a slight jolt of panic outside while I was having a smoke with my dad. Everything looked weird and I felt weird, like I was out of my body. My hands looked like they weren't mine and I was scared to death. Anyways, the attack never really kicked in full effect but the symptoms of "nothing feeling real" and everything feeling like a dream, like reality was gone, and my connection talking to people was as if I had no connection with people - like I wasn't really there. This lasted for a couple of days and eventually I never even noticed, but it was gone and then I felt fine, back to normal. So 2 years go by with occasional panic attacks, nothing major at all, nothing worth seeking medical attention for, besides randomly feeling depressed for a week and then it would go away, and maybe just stress from general life until I reached the horrifying age of 21. I say horrifying because what I'm currently experiencing is painful. I had a bad panic attack, one just like I had 2 years prior, and the derealization and depersonalization stuck again and this time its not going away. I've been like this for at least three weeks now and I'm finding it very hard to cope. Nothing feels real - my hands do not look familiar, I don't feel like a part of my body, I feel I have no connection with anybody. I'm questioning life, is it real or fake? The world appears to be fake, one big dream. I question does anyone see how I see or feel how I feel or is life just one big distraction made up dreams. Nothing makes sense anymore, life is so confusing! I'm seriously suffering! I can't believe that there is no immediate cure for this. I'm feel like I am dying inside! All I want to do is feel in touch with people again and feel the real world again and not be living behind this haze. These symptoms are awful and I wouldn't wish them on the sickest sicko pedophile out there. They are that horrible! No one deserves this! Imagine losing your sister or brother or dad... how devastated you would be. Now imagine losing everything, everyone, and everything you've ever known... these symptoms are causing me serious depression. I feel like life is pointless and I question why and how I was born. Nothing makes sense anymore, I feel so lost. I do believe this can be cured with serious dedication but who knows. I wrote this for anyone out there who feels the same way as me and feels alone (as if nobody feels the same way), believe me I do and there are plenty out there according to the internet that do.