Explaining the Unexplainable

by Ashley
(Ohio)

Having to explain how you feel, when you barely know yourself, is a reoccurring event in my day to day life. It’s a constant battle to see if I will win or lose with the words I choose. How do you explain depression, to someone who isn’t depressed? I can’t just snap out of it, I can’t “man up” and pull myself out of my misery…that would take motivation that I can’t find the strength to conjure. That’s why sometimes I just think… “Why bother”? Will anything I have to say really make any sort of difference? The person I’m talking to will only hear, what they call “negative thought patterns”, and I don’t have the patience or will power to argue with their ignorance. Because that’s exactly what it is…ignorance. Why would any person want to feel depressed? It’s kind of like when people say being “Gay” is a choice…what person would choose to be an outcast in society? Why would a person choose to feel numb, socially awkward, unstimulated and suicidal? Sounds like fun, right!? That’s absurd and it almost makes me angry to even think about. If anyone would actually pick up a book and read it, people may be surprised to learn that depression stems from a chemical imbalance in the brain and most times is genetic.

There are also different types of depression: situational, seasonal, manic etc.. So yes, maybe someone who has seasonal depression, once the seasons change may feel happier…or someone who has situational depression may feel at ease when whatever the situation was that was causing the depression seizes to exist, but manic depression on the other hand is unexplainable, and that is what I have. There is nothing more frustrating than being unhappy and not knowing where it stems from. I could have the perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect house and still feel like I have nothing. It feels selfish, and that makes me even more depressed. How could someone who has so much, feel so little? There are so many people who are in worse situations that are still filled with joy and a desire to push forward and live their lives to the fullest…so why can’t I? I guess this is the mystery behind it all, just like finding a cure for cancer…you can’t kill the disease until you find the source. I really hope one day I will find the source.