From Childhood

by Dee

My story starts from childhood. My mom was a negative person. She never kissed us or said nice things. I suffered my first panic attack at age five one night hearing the fire horn go off. I sat in the hall outside my room wondering if someone would rescue me from the house IF it was on fire. Threw out school I was always "sick" not realizing those dizzy spells were panic. I played the song "At Seventeen by Janis Ian" everyday, 100 times a day. It goes "I learn the truth at 17 that life is meant for beauty queens and high school girls with clear skin smiles and not for ugly ducklings like me...." After H.S.I married MR Wrong because he asked(I Think). I had to take some Valium for weeks just to get down the aisle. Panic then was elucive till after my divorce(5 yrs later). I guess I didnt have time to worry about the panic when I worried what and/or when his next abusive attack would get me. I would say that although the marriage was horrible I do have a daughter out of it and that kept me going. I was determined at that time to give her a better life than I had no matter what. Im not proud of things I've done but the results were worth it to ensure her a better life. At one point for three years I barely left my home and if I did it was not without a safety person with me. One by one my safety people moved on with their lives leaving me behind because I was to panic to move forward. I said I know how to handle what I have. As bad as it was and is now, it seems less frightening than the unfamiliarity of the unknown. Sad HUH? Now I'm fifty two, separated hubby#2, alone, under-employed due to panic, financial struggling, and afraid every minute of every day. Life is almost unbearable except for the love of my grandchildren(now they keep me here). On the up side I just started my walk with Jesus but His goodness and grace is often over shadowed by my torment and dismay and I find it hard to believe he'd want a relationship with me. So I hope to once and for all to find the peace and happiness and maybe a friend or two to help me journey out of this self-imposed darkness and into the light before I lose another day. Thank you for being here tonight.

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