I need help!

by Molly
(UK)

My story hasnt finished yet. I suffer from severe anxiety and now recently panic attacks. It started when I had just started year 10 (age 14 almost 15). I was in school and I began to get a stomach ache and I thought that I might have to go to the toilet, being a girl it's hard because no matter what time it is, there are always girls gossiping or doing their make up in the toilets. So going to the toilet at school wasn't really an option. At this point I had no idea that it was anxiety, I thought I was just poorly and needed to come home. so that's when I asked to go to the nurse and I went home. no big deal. Was absolutely fine for a while. It got worse. School was becoming more stressful for me because I thought I might have diahorrea. Which is totally embarrassing when you're stuck with a load of immature schoolkids. Leaving class was hard enough, so getting to the toilet in a hurry was going to be worse. I was going to the doctors about 4 times a week because everything they suggested wasn't working. They took blood tests in the end which stressed me out enough to the point that I didn't go into school that day. My attendance was deteriorating, and I would always feel guilty because as soon as I'd decide that I wasn't going to go into school I'd feel fine- then I'd feel like I was faking it. I pushed all my 'friends' away but they didn't seem bothered anyway. My older brother would tell my teachers and mum that I was just skiving and my mum would take my phone off of me if I didn't go into school and when I went to school my teachers would not help me with work I missed because "why should we make an effort and help you on the work you missed on the days you couldn't make an effort", so basically they thought I was skiving because my brother had told them that. A year passed of this and in this time I'd had about 100 arguments with my mum, with my brother ganging up on me too and been kicked out twice by my mum to go and live with my dad. I barley left the house in fear that I might need the toilet because of the stomach aches I experienced. The only actual time that I left the house was to go to school and most of the time I didn't even manage a full week. My family (apart from my dad) all gang up on me and lecture me about how I wont get in to college, and to be honest I'm scared that they're right; that I'll never leave my house. I just turned 16 two months ago and I have no friends frequent panick attacks at school, I go in about 2 out of 5 times a week. I can't go anywhere in fear that I'm going to have diahorrea. I suffered from depression for a while and that's how I ended up starting counselling which doesn't seem like a big help, I get anxious just going there! As I write this it makes me quite emotional thinking back on the last two years with dealing with anxiety. I feel like it's never going to end. I think I'd find a small glimmer of hope if I had an understanding friend beaches I feel like they'd be able to help me. I'm in year 11 now and my attendance is so low the school want to send out court letters which will get my parents in trouble, this has obviously put more pressure on my which makes me more stressed, thus more time off school, then more of my things getting taken off of me. this EVEN MORE PRESSURE! no one around me really understand what anxiety is and just think I'm faking it to an extent. I have gcse's this year and I want to be alright for college aswell, so if anyone's got ANY tips please share them with me I'm getting worse and worse.