I'm in jail in my own mind!
by Anita DeHart
Hello I am Anita and I am suffering from OCD, depression, bipolar and have all of the disorders from anxiety, panic attacks the list goes on. When it hit me I thought I was having a stroke, my husband rushed me to the ER, and I thought I was going to die. I quit my job due to the daily stress I was under and now I have an attack every second of the day. I feel like I am in jail or a hole that I will never get out of. I am seeking help but, have no money or insurance and everyday I wake up worrying about everything. I dont sleep that much and have turned to drinking a lot to just numb the pain and thinking. I have no friends that understand and the only person that does is my husband. I feel guilty my husband does everything outside the home because I can't leave the house, or do the daily things a person can do. I need help and hope that someone out there is going threw what I am going threw. I feel alone, and sometimes just wish I wasn't here. But, I try not to think like that but it is hard when you have kids and they don't understand why mommy doesnt go anywhere. This is my hell, that I deal with every day and want to stop feeling like this, it is killing me! I have tried over the counter stuff but nothing. I just wish we can take ou our brain and switch them. Every day is hard to do, I go into my cleaning mood which I do over 8 hrs a day and if I don't in my mind I can't do anything else unless it is done. I want to be happy again, but don't know how anymore...
Reply from Sound-Mind.org
Thank you for sharing your story here. The stuggle with anxiety, panic and depression can definately keep a person feeling like they are imprisioned in their own mind. I know you are feeling helpless and hopeless but I just want to encourage you and let you know that you can turn this around with a lot of patience and determination.
Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up for what you feel you cannot do at this time in your life. It is a blessing to have people you can count on to be there when things are at their worst. What matters is that you get yourself to a place where you can see that recovery is a realistic obtainable goal "for you". I'm sure you are finding this hard to believe at this point, but I assure you that even the worst have overcome this battle and have found recovery. Even many agoraphobics, who have been housebound for years, have found a light at the end of the tunnel, all because they have made the decision in their minds to push forward, do what they had to do to get better while staying determined and persistent in their own healing.
Self-help tools (such as the tools taught on this website) are a wonderful thing. However, sometimes people need the extra help of others to accomplish true recovery. Whether or not you have insurance or money really isn't a factor because there are things you can do for yourself each day that can lead to recovery. There are free programs out there, such as Recovery Inc. where you can learn cognitive-behavioral therapy in a group setting. They also offer help over the telephone and even online if you are unable to find a local meeting near you. No matter how you look at it, you are not helpless or hopeless.
I just want to say that recovery comes through taking baby steps. Learn how to think properly about what you are dealing with - learning the facts & repeating those facts to yourself. One big problem with anxiety is that you are not convinced that any of this will work for you. Don't sabotage your own recovery! Instead, make the decision to believe what people are telling you and then act on it. Learn from those who've been there, talk to your doctor, get involved in a group...the more you know and the more you are affirmed the better.
I definately encourage you to read both of Dr. Claire Weekes books. They are sure to encourage you and show you the way.
Hope and Help for Your Nerves and Peace from Nervous Suffering
If you cannot order these books, please get them from your local library and read them. I promise you, you won't be sorry.
Hang in there Anita. Remember, you find recovery by taking small steps each day and no matter how big the obstacles may seem, you keep going and don't give up.