I'm not me anymore

For four years now I have not been me. I'm not the first to think that and I will not be the last. For four years my family and friends have expressed their worry on my welfare and state of mind. For four years I have heard 'Where has the old happy, energetic, free you gone?' The thing is, I do not need to be asked this question, for I ask myself the same question every waking minute of my life. The old me is lost, she was taken over by a black, shit, controlling, manipulating darkness which keeps her locked up and hidden from the rest of the world. It all started when I was 17. I would be less embarrassed to say my depression started from something way less shameful than a boy, but sadly that's where my story began. I loved him, he left. Soon after everything I loved to do, just seemed a waste of time. The effort to get up in the morning was unbearable. I stopped eating, not because I wanted to but because my tummy forever felt full. If I had a single bite I would feel sick. On the occasion I still have this now when my anxiety rockets out of control, but not anywhere as bad as it was. When I was 18 I got into a bad relationship. He was manipulative, controlling and I convinced myself I loved him. When the relationship ended with him cheating on me I sank into a state of self loathing. I was obsessed with how people saw me, what they thought of me. The difference is, is that no matter if the person liked me, I convinced myself that they hated me, I mean they must do right? I still struggle with this daily. Questions running through my head, feeling like I'm drowning until I get a answer, something that enables to feed the monster that is anxiety. Except the monster is never full, no matter how little or how many questions can be answered, it is never enough. The cycle of over thinking, questioning, panicking, obsessing never stops and I'm so scared it will be like this forever. The monster has killed any relationship I have had, my view on men, my view on friends, my view on family, anyone that is close to me. The fear of them leaving never disappears. As I'm writing this now I can feel my heart pounding, the monster is coming out of its cage and my only wish is that someday it will leave me alone so I can live a happy, normal life. Isn't that what everyone wants?

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