It is not an excuse, its reality!

by Jodi B
(Australia )

Anxiety. Paranoia. Over thinking. These are the daily struggles for people facing mental illness. Something new or something different, you feel like your lungs can’t get enough oxygen, you have pins and needles rushing through your arm. Your paranoid, you start thinking “will I be good enough? Will they like me? What outfit should I wear? Where should I go, idk?” You analyse any situation so thoroughly it hurts your brain. The over thinking then starts to kick in, someone may say a simple statement but you think about it for days, you think into depth about it “was that directed to me? Do they like me? I don’t get why they would say that?” Confusion over something that is actually nothing. It makes you do stupid things, say stupid things all because your own brain is thinking something that just isn’t even true. You feel lonely, yet you like your own space but you also want people to reach out to you... Why would anyone reach out to you if you just push them away? But you push them away because you don’t want to hurt them, you don’t want to feel like a burden because being a burden is the biggest worry for someone like me so you push them away instead. You go to bed, toss and turn all night, worrying about the future, getting anxious over something that’s literally a year away!! Why???? The sad thing is people who aren’t faced with mental illness doesn’t understand why we do this, they try tell us “well stop over thinking things, or just be happy, be positive, do this do that” but the thing is we can’t help it, it’s an illness that we can’t control. You don’t understand the lengths I go too just to try to stop feeling the way I do about things but it is so difficult. I tell myself stop being stupid, stop over thinking just be happy!! But I can’t.
Some days I feel on top of the world, I'm happy, bubbly, laughing and just purely being myself and other days It could be the worst possible day, I’d be depressed, angry, lonely, and pushing away the people I care so much for. I know I'm not a bad person, so why am I acting in such a horrible way? Another thing which I absolutely hate is the fact when I'm in my really bad mental state I push away my family, close friends. I find reasons to get annoyed with them, I overthink and start to question how true my friendship with them is, I feel they put no effort in so I stop. Sometimes I purely feel like no one does put in effort, I feel like I'm the only one who would run hills for them but they wouldn’t do the same for me and it makes me feel neglected. But do you blame them if I'm acting so stupid?
If you ask me to do something and I end up cancelling, it’s not because I'm slack, rude or can’t be bothered it’s purely because anything which is stepping out my comfort zone I don’t like to do. If I'm around someone new and they bring off a bitchy vibe then I go right into my shell, I hardly speak, I don’t make eye contact but not because I'm rude or not sociable its literally because the thought of being judged for saying something stupid haunts me at the back of brain. If a by-stander could see me around someone new who’s loud/judgmental compared to being around my best friend they’d think I'm a completely different person. That’s the sad thing I wish I was myself around everyone and not give two shits but I do and I can’t help it.
When it comes to relationships or guys in general, I overthink every damn thing. I have no confidence in myself, I feel stupid, or fat. I hate that I'm like this. I always think to myself “why can’t I just be flipping normal and get on with things.” I get days where I really wish I was in a relationship and as soon as I find someone I get on with I push them away because my anxiety gets the better of me. I'm not in a relationship because the thought of having to try and get out there makes me well anxious and paranoid.
The thing is people who aren’t faced with this have no clue, they think anxiety/depression is an excuse for things, but it truly isn’t. Society needs to start realizing that this is a huge issue in our world, so many people are faced with the exact same mental state which they can’t control. It’s not an excuse, its reality.