It's all in your head, I hope this erases your bad thoughts.
When you suffer from any kind of problem in life, the thought of being alone, kills. Once you discover the fact that you are not alone, you suddenly have the courage to fight your problems.
So today I want to share my story with all of you. I am a 16 year old girl, who's physically, 100% healthy. I was raised in a loving and caring family, nobody has any history in psychological or mental problems and illnesses. I'm not saying I'm mentally ill, that's embarrassing. But let's just say, ever since I was very little, I think in a complicated way, I mean I'm an average student in school, but you know, one of those people who constantly ask themselves questions, what is that, when was that, who is that, why did that happen, and so on. I am socially active, optimistic, and my point is, my surroundings didn't play a role in my illnesses. Most stories I've read, patients report that they have family problems, they are loners, or they smoke weed and what not, as a result, I sometimes really wonder why I'm sick when my life is perfectly normal.
A couple of years ago, I was living normally, my life was very peaceful, everything was calm, I go to school, I come back, I hang out with close friends, just a normal little girl living life and being happy, nothing much to think about. One day we decided to move for certain reasons, to another country, I was excited, scared, nervous, new people, new life, and...there goes my first anxiety attack. One night, a few weeks before we traveled, I had a strange sensation in my chest, I thought it was a heart attack, since I didn't know what a panic attack was, I freaked out in an unbelievable way, I will never forget that night. The shaking, the extreme pain in the chest, I was light headed, I threw up, I was out of breath, I thought I was going to die on the spot. Anyway, I recited some religious verses and evetually fell asleep, not completely freed by the terrible feeling.
The next morning, I did my little research (where would we be without google) I found out what a panic attack is, I figured I was nervous about traveling and let go of the fear, after that, I got the chest pain once or twice but I knew what it was so I was able to control and cope with it.
We moved, we started a new life, not difficult, new friends, it was more fun, more dramatic, more issues to think about (useless teenage issues.) A whole year passed by, normally. Now last summer is when my anxiety disorder came back to haunt me, with a little friend of his this time, called depersonalization.
I've always had slight depersonalization issues, since I'm a spirtual person, a creative person and a deep thinker. I used to always ask myself basic philosophical questions, who are we? Why are we here? But everyone seems to get on with it, so I figured, why should I care. This summer, I suddently lost my appetite, and lost about 5 kg ( 11.02 lbs) in a couple of months (it showed a lot since I was a thin person to begin with) I fainted once, and ever since, I became constantly dizzy, I live with it, life always seems like a dream. When I look people in the eyes, I get scared, like, who are you? You're human..okay then. I lost emotions, when one of my family members travel, I just don't really miss them, I get used to whatever you give me, because I'm too busy thinking about my soul.
I don't feel "spaced out" like most people who suffer from depersonalization would say. I just feel, like I'm not in touch with reality, not in touch with myself..sometimes I ask myself, if I'm not used to this life, to this existence, then what am I used to? Where should I be, or what should I do to feel like..oh okay this is where I belong, this is reality, this is normal. Nothing feels normal, I feel like I've been living as another person my whole life and my soul just got transferred in the body that I'm in right now, when I look at my thighs or hands, I'm all like, wow, this is my body...
I'm the soul, the spirit, the brain, the thoughts, I'm not this body, or this face, sometimes I don't even feel like I'm the soul...I feel like nothing, just nothing, the only time I feel like I know myself is when I'm sleeping, because I'm nothing when I am, and I sleep a lot. I'm always dizzy, not because I am, but because I'm confused, I travel to far away places in my head. I even started thinking about death, where am I going to go and what not.
But guess what, like I said previously, it's all in your head. Stop, right now, stop thinking so much about things, look at the people around you, getting on with their lives, they're just living, enjoying life. Who cares why we were created, who cares who we are, we were given birth to, we were given souls and bodies, by god, and that's because he wants us to live, just live, don't ask why, eat, laugh, fall in love, do the things you love, be successful and show off about it, don't spend too much time alone, god created other people for a reason, surround yourself with people, friends, and family., spend time with them. Yes this is your body, yes this is your brain, this is the way you talk, this is the way you think, this is who you are, and this is what was given to you, live with it, life is short, are you going to spend it thinking about who you are and that pointless stuff? One answer, god. Have faith in god, once you believe that you are a person who was created by god, you should enjoy your life and do good things to have a good afterlife, this is when your brain will be 100% peaceful.
People who have positive thoughts literally cured themselves from physical diseases, imagine mental and emotional ones? Even easier. Believe me, you tell your brain something, it will believe it. Hey brain, I am happy and healthy, your brain will BELIEVE it, just make your soul believe it first.
After this experience I decided to dedicate my life for people who need my help, I want everyone to be happy, and I have the power to do so. I made myself believe that life is beautiful, ignore problems, and chase happiness, and I can make others to do the same, hopefully, I'm going to study psychotherapy, because I know that my patients' negative thoughts wont affect me, but my poitive thoughts will affect THEM. Go on, go live, go laugh, go smile, go to the gym or something, go out with a group of friends, go visit a family member, get-your-self-out-of-this-imaginary-pain. It's not there, it's not.