Life with Anxiety, PTSD, and Depression

Hello, Everyone. I’ve had anxiety for a while now but I think recently it’s developed into more. It’s really hard to explain these topics to people who either don’t understand or think their situations are more than what everyone else goes through. I think it’s important to state that everyone has different experiences and that needs to be respected. I’ll just start by giving a background of who I am and what I’ve gone through. So, I’m an 18 year old girl. I live with my widowed mother and my four younger siblings. At the age of 5 I was molested by a family member. Since the age of 2, I’ve witnessed constant domestic violence in my household from my dad against my mom. Some events include me at the age of 3-4 walking in and seeing him choking the life out of my mom while she was pregnant with my little sister. Another event includes him punching her across the face on our way home from vacation. She blacked out while driving and we almost had a collision. I also want to state that my dad was an alcoholic and the person he became while drinking was completely different than the sober version of him. I loved my sober dad/still do and it’s just unfortunate that my family all had to suffer through this. It’s also still no excuse. There were times that I had to call 911 after seeing my dad with his hands on my mom and then I would go straight to school the next morning. There were so many more instances that happened on birthdays, holidays, and sometimes regular days when I would get home from school. I thought that my dad would kill my mom. That’s how bad it got. My mom, siblings, and I moved constantly to try to get away from my dad. My family and I were homeless for my first two years of high school and had to stay with a mentally ill relative. That put my dad in a horrible situation which forced him to drink more than normal. I remember one time he almost threw a chair at me. The abuse was almost always verbal when it came to the kids so that shocked me. I also want to say that this is my step dad (whom I love and I’m still very grateful he helped raise me). I also have daddy issues from my biological dad who I didn’t even know about until I was starting elementary. Then around 7th grade he passed away which still haunts me because I feel like I didn’t get the time with him that my older sisters did (from him). Sometimes I feel like he didn’t want me but chose them and that’s something I never got to ask him as well. My mom wanted me to keep it a secret from my step dad so he wouldn’t know; I was almost in tears every time I suspected he knew. I was just so so scared of him finding out and I would stress myself out over it night after night. I think I had anxiety then too. He was just so against my biological dad because he was never there for me as a child. There were a lot of secrets in my family. This past year I lost my biological dad. I know it sounds crazy to love someone who abused my mom like that but I’ve learned that it’s okay to love sober dad and not like alcoholic dad. He was the best kindhearted person to be around when sober. He did so much for my family and I. His passing takes a stab to my heart every single day. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye because of the simple fact that I was at work. It was super sudden with food poisoning. It’s crazy because out of all the health problems my dad had, that’s how he left this earth. It hurts that I never got to have my one on one time with him letting him know how much his violence affected me. I have so many trust issues now, I flinch every time I think a man is out to hurt me, I can’t sleep at night, and I cry multiple times throughout the day. I have nightmares and I can still see some of the abuse events replaying in my mind. I also lost my sweet Grams 3 months later. My grandma was my actual best friend; we were so alike. My heart aches just thinking about her not being here. I miss them both on the daily; especially with my graduation coming up. They won’t be here for any milestones and that kills me. I can’t interact with people socially, I’ve never had a boyfriend like all of my other friends have, and I just get really sad thinking I’ll be alone forever. Now, it’s just my mom, me and my sibs. I love my mom so so much. She’s my everything and she’s so so strong and did everything she could to get us away from my dad once she saw how hurt I was. She’s now a struggling widow which is so hard to see her go through with four kids. We don’t have anyone else who can help us and her mom & husband aren’t on this earth anymore. Sometimes I get super sad thinking about her leaving my siblings and I suddenly because she also has health issues. I can’t even think about it without tearing up. I don’t know what I would do with four young kids all alone. I just think about what my purpose in life is at times. I know we’re not supposed to ask God why but I wonder. I break down in hysterical tears all the time. My friends have their own experiences with depression/anxiety like I said but they don’t even know half of what goes on in my mind. I don’t have many friends because a lot of people switched up on me once high school came. I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything like that. Sometimes I wonder if I’m ugly or if they can sense that I’m damaged goods and automatically didn’t want to deal with me. I just want to be normal.