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My Story That Is Still Not Finished

by Brittany Gagne
(Livermore Falls)

I have had Anxiety since I was in daycare, mainly because that is where my demon had sprung up. I was traumatized by my sitter and the other children, pushing me down to a lower state of mind, making me believe I was all the nasty names my demon was telling me. This demon is a living hell for me, can't make me smile, refusing to let others get close to me, refusing my own mother to love me, and a whole bunch of negative thought flooding inside my head. I am 15 years old and I've been to tests to see what type of Anxiety I have and it's Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I never knew Anxiety had different types until I was tested when I was nine. I've been in fear for the morning no matter what day it is and I've no longer wished to see the light of day because of how scared I am. I can't take medication because of traumatizing events that have connection to taking medicine.

Most of the days I begin to beat myself up, wondering why I'm such a freak to have this disorder and I continue to ask these questions; "Why me?" "Why do I have to suffer through this?" "Why can't we all just not have Anxiety, live a life without it!?" I become sadden by my own questions but then become shame because next from the questions comes this voice that sounds like mine, but different, more angry and filled with hatred not towards any other human being besides myself. She yells at me, saying how I've let myself go, how other people were happy before I came into their lives. People see me cry in my classes and they call me a 'crybaby' without knowing the full story, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm nervous, I cry when I'm excited, and I cry when I'm angry. These all come from my Anxiety.

I know that everyone has a little kid inside of them, but since my Anxiety has been at a high level since daycare, the little child inside me as slowly began to die, leaving nothing but a frightful teenager, still trying to find answers to questions that may never be answered on her own. I'm still fighting this demon of mine and depression, it's not easy for me, and possibly a lot of other people because I know I'm not alone with this, but these demons are terrifying and make me become sadder with each day, but I believe, that hopefully one day...they will vanish into dust and fly away into the wind and be nothing more but a memory that made me who I am in the future..

There is one thing I do know story with Depression and Anxiety isn't finished until that happens..

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