Still battling with anxiety.
From a young age, I was a worrier. I would worry about everything. I'd worry about other peoples problems that they weren't even worried about. I'd worry to the point where I'd make myself sick.
I guess I noticed I felt different when I was 15. I worried about my new class, if they'd accept me, if I'd make any friends, if I'd be stuck in class where I know no one. Of course, that wasn't the case. I was put in a class with my best friend. One day, we went to a famous event in Ireland. While we were there, I felt my heart beating oddly. It was very fast and I thought I was having a heart attack. I told my friend about it and she said they were called heart palpitations. She said she suffers from them too. I told my mom but she took no notice of it.
For that year, I'd get heart palpitations every week or so, thinking I was just unfortunate to be one of those people who suffered from palpitations. My P.E teacher told me to go to the doctor. I did, but she told me she didn't know what was wrong and that there was nothing wrong with my heart. I constantly worried about them, thinking that they could kill me or prevent me from doing things. They didn't, but the thoughts didn't leave my mind.
I went the whole year keeping these worries and dark thoughts in my head. When I was 16 and headed into the new, more advanced class I felt a huge shock. It was like a slap in the face. The amount of work teachers were giving me, how hard some classes were and the amount of oral tests made me feel sick. Even thinking about it now, it's making me feel sick. Almost every week I had to be taken home by my mom because I was sick. I wasn't pretending, I was actually sick. Every day was so dark, I wasn't enjoying life. I hated my life because I hated school. I wanted to leave school and leave my thoughts and worries there. My mom finally called the counselor. After that, the counselor told me if I felt sick I should come up to her office. And I did. Almost every day. But then, I became worried about how much class I was missing if I went up to the counselors. I couldn't concentrate in school because of how sick I was feeling - no matter if it was in class or if it was in the counselors.
I wrote a note to my mom describing how dark my life is. How much I hate it. How school has wrecked my life. My mom brought me to the doctors and they passed it on to a mental health services who I've only recently started seeing.
I decided to stop sitting back and let myself think like this. Although I'm still struggling with my anxiety and my recent depression, I want to get better. And I've been told I will get better. There's a lot more to this story, as it really did take a long time for me to get this deep into anxiety so far that it's led to depression too. It's easier said than done to get better, but I truly want to and I'm willing to fight. Anxiety has taken over my life and sometimes it can't even control how I feel or what I think. I hope to change that.
I've learned that it's good to get everything off your chest. Talk about it to someone. Do things that relax you and take your mind off the thoughts that make you feel this way.
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