What won’t let go.

by KJ

Since I was about 14 I seemed to find myself worrying about little things. I never really thought anything of it and just pushed it to the side. As I got older, I felt this darkness looming over me that made what I once put aside grow stronger. Of course I chose to ignore it telling myself I have nothing to worry about, it’s just a phase and will pass. I am now 28 years old and battling with Anxiety like no other. I have attacks probably once every day if not more and when I think my mind is at ease, it hits me like a freight train.

My mind is constantly running with thoughts of “what if” or “will I ever be the same”. You look for anything to distract you and for the time being it does but never really lasts. I have trouble sleeping as my mind keeps looping one question and that is “What if I don’t wake up”? I am 28 yrs old living in constant fear of losing everything I have or worked so hard for.
My anxiety is a major speed bump in my life and every time I seem to hit it harder.

Now here comes the part where I tell you the good.
I met this guy who I never thought would want to deal with someone so messed up - who would see my anxiety issues and run the other way so fast. I continued to have anxiety attacks frequently and believe me I tried to hide them. I remember one night one woke me from my sleep while he was next to me. Instead of running he was there, instead of saying he could not deal with it he held my hand through it all. Every doctors appointment he either made or was by my side trying to get me the help I needed. Now here we are 10 months later and still having attacks but with him by my side.

You see anxiety is a "demon" and a nasty one at that. It will try to tear you down in so many ways, make you feel helpless or worthless. It will keep you up all night and when you finally get to sleep it will haunt you in your dreams. Anxiety is. I joke and so many people are quick to tell us “cheer up” or “chill out”. They won’t ever know how it feels be us, how it feels to constantly worry about things, how it feels when you can’t breathe. They don’t know the constant crying and pain that we go through or the energy we have to put in to go through this everyday. But, though all of that there is a light!! Whether it be just a moment of relief, a boyfriend, a friend or family member, maybe even a pet. Those things are what will get you through the times when you feel like giving up.

We may be battling something terrible but we can get though it!!

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