Bad thoughts that just happen out of nowhere

by Alice
(Baltimore, Maryland)

I'm a 25 year old mother who recently started to experience bad thoughts. I don't know where these thoughts came from, but are they are now beginning to affect my day to day life.
Prior to having these awful thoughts I was a jovial young lady. Now I have no interest in doing anything because I believe these thoughts are taking over my life. I have thoughts of someone hurting my child in which the manner I was hurt. I have never told anyone about what was done to me as a child and until recently suppressed. I was molested and never had the nerve to tell my mother or anyone for that matter - afraid of judgement and embrasment. I woke up this morning googling how to stop these bad thoughts and found this blog and just admitted to a bunch of strangers that I was molested. As write I'm shaking because that has taken me twenty-five years to admit. Knowing that I would never and I mean "never" hurt my child in the same way that person hurt me, I have thoughts of someone doing the same to her. I started to feel as if I am losing my mind. I have a very strong faith and pray daily and ask God to guide me and remove this "demon" of depression sorrow and hurt. I work with children and until recently loved my job, now I hate it. I want the day to go by quickly and I no longer interact with the kids. These thoughts are driving me crazy. I am to speak to a counselor on Monday and I'm terribly afraid. I shake all the time - I'm just afraid. I would like to get back to myself but I'm unsure what to do and feeling like this is how I will be for the rest of my life which is scary to me. Because I feel as though these feelings just creep up on me and are now dominating my life. Can someone give me sound advice as how to deal. I have never had to take medication but afraid that I will. I am mother, daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend, and I need to get back to being those things quick. Please keep me uplifted in prayer.

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Dec 03, 2012
I know what you are going through!!
by: Anonymous

I actually am in the same situation that you are in. When I was little my step-dad was a perv and although he never physically molested me, he did try a few times and did other things. I absolutely hated him. I never told my mom or anyone so I was just stuck dealing with him. When I was older and moved out of the house I started having these horrible unwanted thoughts about him. Images would pop-up of what he used to try to do to me and things like that. Nothing I did could make them go away. They finally stopped after I had my son but have now been replaced with thoughts about my child. I feel absolutely disgusting. I would never do anything like that to my child and it is so horrible to have these thoughts. They have recently gotten worse and have brought me to border line suicidal quite a few times. I stay depressed and I am actually scared to be around him. This is absolutely the worst thing I have ever been through. I have wondered if I am possessed or if the devil is just trying everything he can to tear me down. I don't know what to do, but I cannot deal with it any longer. I hate to hear you are going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I am glad to know I am not the only one and I'm not just crazy. Please keep me updated on your situation.

Oct 24, 2012
Scary Obsessive Thoughts...
by: Susan

Hi Alice.

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with these scary, obsessive, thoughts. If you ask me, they are some of the worst symptoms of an anxiety disorder.

Although the thoughts seem to come out of nowhere - they are in your subconscious and your brain just brings them to the front of your brain when you are anxious.

As with anyone, it is normal to want to protect yourself and those you love from something bad happening. With anxiety, we have a tendency to over-estimate the likelyhood of them happening. When someone suffers from anxiety they become "hyper-aware" of everything - thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, circumstances, etc. etc...
What you are feeling/thinking is normal because people think them all the time but the only difference (for them) is that they are just passing thoughts that go in and out quickly. With anxiety, it causes the sufferer to "catch" these thoughts as a protection mechanism, analyze them, and then the anxiety wants you to find a "for-sure" way to prevent it. So what people do is AVOID for the sake of "prevention".

The truth of the matter is this - noone would want their child to endure the hardships we have had to endure. It is a sure thing that your anxiety is causing you to over-estimate the likelihood of that happening.

I think it's important that you continue with therapy so you are able to admit freely what has happened to you over the past and get to a place where you no longer feel embarrassed, judged, humilated by it. It is not YOUR fault this happened to you - and you need to remind yourself of this everyday.

Please do not be afraid of medication. If your doctor should offer you a prescription, please know that they are "optional" not manditory! Medication can sometimes take the edge off your anxiety symptoms so you can function better throughout your days. It is always best to stay in therapy while taking them and to wean off of them under a doctors supervision when you feel you are at a better place emotionally.

Scary, obsessive thoughts are nothing but "scary, obsessive thoughts"... they cannot hurt you - only cause you distress when you constantly analyze them.

A good word of advise is to let these thoughts come in and realistically look at them - deal with them and tell yourself the truth about them. Part of the fear and obsession comes from telling ourselves that somehow these thoughts are not meant to be thought of or that we need to resist them - in that case, they only get worse and persist longer.

Hang in there and put all your focus on dealing with your anxiety symptoms, remember this is the core of the issue (fearing loss of control) and everything is based on this fear. Deal with this fear and you will also deal with your thoughts.

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