Dased and Confuzed (changing the name cuz copyright issues hehe)
Hi whoever's reading this! Or no one. I'm a twenty year old girl with a lot of things in my life that give me firsthand and secondhand anxiety. Just to be clear, I haven't been diagnosed, been to a therapist, or take any sort of meds for this. I don't even know if this is anxiety, but even that thought bums me out. I feel like my life is ALWAYS stuck in "almosts". I'm almost anxious, but not really. I'm almost confident enough to speak out loud, but I'm not. I'm almost an introvert, but I'm not! I'd just like to belong on one side. I'd like to be okay, and if this isn't anxiety, or depression, if this is just an almost, but not really there sort of thing, then I just want to get rid of it! It's been at least five years since I have noticed that I don't change. I haven't evolved as a person, I still get nit picky about the same things, I still have to practice a thousand times before I make a phone call or have a conversation with an authority figure (well, twice or thrice really), and most of all, I'm still so so scared and hesitant of doing anything. Last year, I vowed to try something new - to scare myself everyday, but I stopped after a week. I'll write some of my 'brave' entries here:
Entry no. 1: I just talked to a stranger and it feels so weird
Entry no. 2: Rode a bus alone yooo
Entry no. 3: Traveled alone from '...' to '...'
Entry no. 4: SNORKELED!
I'm not kidding you, all of these had my heart palpitating at 120 beats/second. Also, I f'ed up the snorkeling situation because I had a mini panic attack when I was in the water - thought I was gonna drown - wasted $30 on the package. Had a LOT of fun wake tubing, and riding a jet ski, but this was one thing I wanted to do and wanted to overcome my fear of. But I just came back from the trip still scared and hesitant... I never let go of the ladder leading into the sea. It still wrenches my gut, especially because it came with missed experiences, and also because an 11 year old with me could do it, and I couldn't. I couldn't let go of my fear. And before you say "kids are more receptive and open to new experiences, blah blah", I was not. I was the scared kid. I cried when I got too far on the monkey bars. Cried every first day of school till the sixth grade because I wanted to go home. Cried minutes before leaving for a wedding when I was eight, because I suddenly had a thought that my parents would die someday. I've always been a weird person, but I was really confident in school. When I got introduced to a bigger crowd, that confidence naturally deteriorated, and I never got it back. It's been five f'ing years. I am sick of feeling like this lost mouse.
Anyway, coming to the secondhand anxiety part: a lot of my friends have been through some very rough times. Molestation, fake pornos, grief over their brothers' deaths, and clinical depression in various forms. These are the closest people in my life, my support system, and I'm obviously there to help them through it. But recently, I found out that my closest friend was in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend of one year. I was devastated and horrified, not just because it had happened, but because I was so oblivious to the whole thing. Even when I saw warning signs, I didn't catch on very quickly, maybe because I was too absorbed with my own life. But all of this has been making me more and more anxious and guilty, and also numb. I don't know if I can make the best decisions for myself anymore. I don't know if I'm capable enough to study or pick up a book or do anything that pleases me and is beneficial to me. I have exams coming up in two weeks, and I'm just so gutted about all this. Also, there's a huge part of my guilt caused by my parents paying for my pricey tuition. I can't live with the guilt of wasting their money, and that spirals me into a track of over-analyzing every step and me convincing myself that I'm not good enough or smart enough or not a good enough daughter because I procrastinate and waste my time and their money, and honestly, it's too much!
Seeing a therapist or getting meds, etc. is currently not an option, so I'd like to know of any other (preferably free) alternatives. Can anyone help?
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