Drowning Under the Numbness
Recently, I went through a very stressful period in my life where I had to learn to keep my anxiety in check, and I thought I had gotten the hang of it. Suddenly I didn't feel it anymore and that was great. Until one day I noticed I felt nothing at all. Then very suddenly, I just panicked. One minute I was running and the next, I wasn't breathing and my head was exploding.
Currently I am in an extremely stressful environment, its not boot camp (where I was before) but its just as stressful in different ways. I've noticed the more I put my emotions away (what I thought was the right way to handle anxiety)the stranger my life got. I don't feel anything until I freak out. I also can't remember anything that I study and I'm failing half of my classes. Its like my brain just can't make the connections necessary for me to learn. I researched a little bit and came across something that said numbness is a symptom of anxiety that has a positive reinforcement (similar to contractions in childbirth: the more you have them, the more are triggered and at worse intensity). I don't feel happy or sad, I don't miss anyone at home that I left for school, I don't feel love towards the man I was in love with anymore. I don't have any need to talk to my friends from home. This is how my life is until sudden and random waves of emotion knock me out of the way. I begin to feel everything, but mostly the hurt I've bottled. The interesting thing is that when this happens, I am shaky in school but I actually do better with the material as the professors teach. Right now, I am so incapable of retaining anything that I have a 1.24 GPA... I used to be an A student.
I know any person would say I need help, and this is me acknowledging that I do need it. I'm tired of this controlling me. However, my schedule does not permit for any allotted time to seek help. So my question is, based on what I've shared: how can I begin to change the way I handle my life on a day to day basis? Please help me to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, so I can start learning again.