Feeling unable to say much to people
I've always been like this and only recently I'm getting online CBT with the help of a helper for it. I'm 28 and meant to be an adult by now, but still have low self esteem and social anxiety.
I met someone I knew from high school today, while putting a load of stuff with my dad at a recycling area in town, he asked how I was and we started a conversation, but I was totally blank, I did the basics, ask how he was, what he's doing right now. But that was it, it never lasted long, well I felt it never lasted long.
Only after I think about what I could've said, I always wondered if I was too quiet or just had not much to say, well he knew I was very quiet and drawn in back in school.
My dad always complains that I never say much especially when people asks me something, as he says to my mom, I'm like I'm not all there.
I am always like this no matter who I talk to, mind blank, unable to say much or think what to say,sometimes, can't talk long without going lost or confused, or my throat feeling like it's closing up or I start feeling ticklish in my throat.
Then I look back and think,like a sort of replay in my mind, I have so much to talk about or say in there, sometimes I wonder, damn did I say/ did that? or think what a silly thing to say. Because I do say a lot of things that either don't make sense or sound silly sometimes.
I was talking to the helper who was meant to help me with the online CBT, I couldn't express myself to her, even though she couldn't see me, I was feeling hot and red, jumbling up and trying to get everything into one conversation.
Is this all social anxiety? What can I do to break this?
I am going to be attending what's known as a community well being support group in town, by the mental health organisation that's helping me.
I feel a bit nervous about it, first of all I feel daft, especially at my age and my parents knowing I have social anxiety which to them especially my dad, is ridiculous.
If you see on things like on tv, i.e soap drama or on the news, people get support because they've been abused or had a really bad trauma in their lives, where me I haven't really.
OK I was bullied and humiliated in college, could never fit in in both school and college, always quiet and an easy target to make a fool of. Which some like my dad would think is pathetic, especially given that in college those who made fun of me were girls.
I don't know if I have asperger's but I think I do, especially with my past and I do share autistic traits which over time I try to overcome.
I feel shy and nervous because I don't know how to act when I go into the building.
I feel shy that someone might know me there.
Thinks like arts craft are not really my thing, and it feels like going back to school again.