Intrusive Thoughts and Anxiety

I been battling thoughts for a long time since I was little kid. I'm 21 now and I have obsessive thoughts that bother me day and night. My mind won't leave me alone at all. I had some trouble sleeping and only got 3 hours or 5 hours of sleep a night. I go to sleep with the thought on my mind and I wake up with it. I'm kind of afraid to say it ,because I feel that people will get the wrong impression, but I'll say it anyway because I need help. I cry and breakdown from it because I know its not who I am. A couple months ago before leaving off to school I was laying down watching tv a show that I usually watch. As I watch the show I saw two guys give each other a kiss. Now I'm not gay but after I saw that its like thoughts started running through my head. Its weird to me because I've seen stuff like that before and it never bothered me. Thoughts would constanly say your going gay and stuff. Or that I'm going to be like that and always been like that when I havent. I dont have a problem with those who's lifestyles are like that but its not me. Its not who I am, I always and still do have an attraction and desire to be with woman only. I want to start my own family and have a wife and kids. I been attracted to girls since I was little. I have strong desires to be with girls. Before I left I was seeing someone and we hit it off and I really liked her. The thoughts make me feel there is no end and pretty much saying thats how I'm going to be when I dont. I know thats not me thats not in my heart. Everytime I pray I feel better or say a strong comment, I know in my heart I'm straight. I'm not denying or supressing anything. I just know who I am and what I want. I cant function throughout the day because the thoughts will constanly come and reloop in my mind. It feels like im going insane. I went to counseling but it only helped so much. Talking to my mom and dad has helped me a great deal and I just try my best to ignore the thoughts. I just want them to be gone. I feel like I'm losing myself to these thoughts, like I have to give in. It makes me feel bad and ashamed bringing up false feelings and images in my mind that I'm not trying to even think about. Bad dreams and just makes me feel terrible. Please I need help.

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I’m not GAY
by: Sean

I’m sick to death of these thoughts that come into my mind, they are anything related to homosexuality, witch make my mind and body sick. I’m impotent and don’t want sex with either gender due to no libido. I’ve always had a dislike of men and been a strong feminist. I’m not homophobic in anyway but I would rather be dead than gay. I feel like I’m losing the way I am because of these thoughts. I would like to lead a normal life whereas possible. I have lots of medical problems. And would very much like to find myself again. Maybe it’s lockdown. I’am Sean I love women I always will
Racing intrusive thoughts
by: Morgan

In December of 2017 I became really anxious and fell into such a dark place of depression. I had been hiding my anxiety and panic disorder and not taking it seriously for months and months until this one night where my anxiety completely took over my mind. I found that I didn’t ever want to go out in fear I’d have a panic attack, which made me so lonely and isolated and led to me living in fear. I’d always been a worrier but never taken much notice of it. I remember as a kid I randomly used to worry that if I went anywhere I’d faint or have a nose bleed - which btw is something I had never even experienced- but being so young I guess I grew out of the thoughts and carried on living. Only now do I realise that I’ve probably had anxiety my whole life but never been labelled therefore not taken much notice of it. I’ve now been labelled with generalised anxiety disorder, which I think about all day every day and it’s beginning to put a strain on my life. For the last 2 years I’ve had horrendous intrusive thoughts about all sorts of things, but the most scary for me is the thought that one day I’ll become suicidal. The word suicide sends shivers through my whole body and fills me with anxiety. I will never and would never ever harm myself which is why this thought really affects me and I’m so sensitive about the subject. This thought is really getting me down now and I would really like some advice on how to accept the thought and try to remove it from my brain. I also suffer with panicking about panic.. so I’m scared that if I go somewhere public I’m going to panic - which again has never even happened?! Help lol

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