Irrational Thoughts about my Dearest One

Hi, I am a 20 years old teen doing my engineering courses. My life had been going well until about a week ago. Suddenly things changed when a strange thought popped out. It was about my lover. I love her so much that I cant even express it in words. I respect her very much, but these thoughts are worrying me. On that day I had a thought that my girl was with someone else (sexual thought)..this really broke me down... I even cried. Then onwards these types of thoughts hitting me always. How could these thoughts come to me?? I love her to the core and that's what made me worry. It is terrifying to see my most loved one with someone else...and the images in my mind's eye are awful. Is it normal? Or can I lead a happy life with her? My life is down now. I really want your help. Do you know how hard it would be to see your loved ones like this? It's awful...I am starving for help....waiting for your reply......

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Mar 01, 2015
The journey to overcome
by: Vanessa

Hello there, I am new to this website and am so glad that I stumbled across it. I too am a beginning college student with a very similar experience. There is so much more that I could tell you but I will try my best to keep it brief. I have been dealing with my own anxiety and worries for a while now. I have reached out for help tried many things and have come such a long way.

When I began college, my anxieties sky-rocketed and what began as one worry I could not let go of, turned into my biggest struggle and longest journey. Definitely follow Susan's advice because it does help. I promise you.

I want to share with you some of the tips/ideas that have worked best for me. First off, please please please know that thoughts are just thoughts. The more you resist and fight and try to evade a thought, the stronger it becomes because you feed it with your repulsion towards it. So what do you do... As hard as it seems, you must learn how to sit with the thought. See it as though it were a cloud. Do not judge it as good or bad, it is neither, it is only a thought. Thoughts are not real. What is real is this present moment and that is all you ever really have. Try your best to always be present. Practice this over and over. Where are you, what surrounds you, what smells do you smell, any sounds? How do feel, if you are feeling overwhelmed or panicked...sit with it, no judging it, just feel it as though you were curious about it. No feeling or thought is ever permanent. Remember that thoughts do not define you. I recommend you practice mindfulness and try to incorporate it into your daily life. Mindfulness is being able to sit with whatever it is that arises every moment without judgment. After all, those images you think I can think too but if I do not judge or label the thought as good or bad, it becomes weak. I can let the cloud just float away. The very reason that you don't want to think that makes it hard to let it go. Trust me I have been there.

It takes a lot of work to build a strong muscle. Think of those worries as tiny muscles you built up in your brain. You built up a muscle that right away reacts negatively to that thought. So the goal here is not to want to get rid of it, the goal is to just look at it in a different way... to see it as just a thought no big deal. You can even say to yourself when it pops up, "just a thought." Just allow it to arise, do not label it, focus on the sensations it brings about and try to let go of the story and just bring your attention inwards. Be present. If you do this, eventually, you will develop a new muscle that reacts to the thought passively and as quickly as it comes, it just floats by. With time, it will be a thing of the past because it will weaken because you will lose interest in it. Trust me, I have been there and have had very similar thoughts about my significant other. I promise you that you can do it. A good book to read more about embracing this moment is "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, if you are interested.

Good luck, I know you will overcome this. Be gentle with yourself and know that in you is the power to overcome all fear, all worry. We are all born with this beautiful lightness that lives to savor the moment from a place of pure joy. You can do this, I know so. Be patient. Be present.

Feb 10, 2015
by: Susan

Hello! Thank you for taking the time to write and share about your struggle -- It takes a lot of courage sometimes to get these thoughts out into the open so you can take a good look at them.

It is no surprise to me that you experience thoughts like this -- anxiety presents itself in many forms, sometimes it's the physical sensations that cause the most grief and others, it's the painful, irrational, misbeliefs we tell ourselves. Your anxiety is expressing itself in worries about losing someone most dear to you - you are visualizing this possibility and by doing this, you are increasing your anxiety.

Good news is that you can get a grip on these thoughts before they consume you -- and even if they have already consumed you and have taken over, you can get full control again -- BUT, it will take a lot of effort on your part to put your mind in it's right place again. Be prepared to work and put your thoughts back in order.

So what is the truth? The truth is, you love this person very much and you are worried about losing them. You fear the worst happening. What are the odds of this actually happening? Have you thought about it? Chances are good that your love feels the same about you or would have told you otherwise.

The best thing you can do is make a list of reoccurring thoughts that you have about this situation -- write them down on paper. Then take time, look at them one by one and re-write a new thought to take it's place. Not an unrealistic thought, but a thought that is truthful and believable. After going through all your obsessive, scary thoughts one by one and writing replacements thoughts... you need to start repeating those new thoughts to yourself EVERY time the old thought comes into your mind. You must be proactive in your effort to combat these negative thoughts and you must be relentless in your endeavor!

The next best thing you can do is to take the time to do some visualization/meditations -- You will need to take the time to visualize in your mind, the new pictures you would like to see. This takes some effort and a lot of practice in order for this work -- but I promise you, take time each day to practice your new visualizations and make them a new habit!

You must remember that anxiety is the issue here. Anxiety feeds off the idea that you have NO control -- it will pick something that is important to you and have you analyzing the potential of "what if I lose this?"... "what if they stop loving me?"... "what if I stop loving her?".... You see, you can ask as many "what if" questions as you wish but you will never come up with anything good if you are always "what-if-ing" negative things. If you want to play the "what if" game, then be sure to "what if" the good stuff! :)

Do not follow this advice for a short time and give up and tell me, this is not working --- you need to work hard for a long time in order for new behaviors, new thoughts to begin to stick and take over.... You have to work hard and long to conquer this -- Good news is that it is totally achievable! You don't have to be stuck here forever. You can change it... and I believe you can and will!

Please take the time to read thought the website, learn from the recommended resources - education is key when it comes to overcoming anxiety. Be patient with yourself also -- this takes some time but if you do not give up, you WILL win this battle!

Take Care!

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