Never wanted as a child...

by Dina
(La Jolla,Ca)

Never wanted as a child, except some by my grandmother; the stress has always been with me. I found out at thirteen that I was born out of wedlock. For years I asked my mother who my father was but she refused to tell me. The rejection has always had a grip on me. I am now in my 70's and it still upsets me. My mother passed away without ever telling me and not seeing me since I was twenty-two and I was kicked out of the house at seventeen. I was even left out of her obituary when all her other family members dead or alive were included. I tried to buy my mother's love by buying her a home, which she never owned before. Nevertheless, I became successful,in time. I always felt as if I never belonged to anyone in my life. I have had a few husbands all of whom cheated on me and that threw me in to full panic attacks. Seeing movies of mistreated children or injustice can still cause an anxiety or panic attack. There is so much more to write but this is just the gist of my anxiety.